To me, my search for meaning seems to also be a search for hope. For the past four months I have been spiraling deeper and deeper into the void that is a meaningless existence; an angsty way to phrase it, but the feeling nonetheless. I feel like the more I question and think about existence, the further I get from feeling hopeful and meaningful.
This photo is part of a series of pictures that my mom and I took in Puerto Rico. At the time, it was just a silly photo that I posted on Facebook, to which my friends responded with funny comments like, "so THATS what happens to the sun at night!" and, "well thanks joan now all life on earth will die." I liked the picture because it reminded me of a happy evening spent watching the sunset over the Pacific with family. However like any good painting or picture, the meaning changes based on how one chooses to interpret it. When I put this picture in the context of my current state of meaning I saw something very different than I first interpreted. When I think of light and the sun, I think of the summer when hope and happiness are in full bloom after months of winter depression. I think of the people and principles of optimism that have carried me through the darkest periods of life. Seeing this picture now, I think of how, in my quest for meaning, I feel like I am digging myself into a hole further and further from meaning and happiness. I am so afraid of losing the hope that I will find a meaning that will help me be happy and successful. In my search for a meaning I do not know how to find, it feels like I am eating all hope that any meaning will fill the void of nothingness. I am terrified by the prospect that I could lose all hope in life and meaning.
0 Comments
|